Black and Blue
by yulian
Summary: When grief comes knocking on her door once more, she finds herself trying to cope with no one to talk to. Sometimes words aren't necessary. Ellanor my character and Nightcrawler. New chapters are up!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: dont own Marvel- except Ellanor (my oc)

Rewrite of Black and Blue ch 1

By Yulian

In the swirling madness of her dreams, she tossed and turned.

She let out a scream of terror, as she sat up abruptly. Another nightmare, though more twisted than normal.

"There's no going back to sleep after that", she deduced aloud as she leaned forward, hugging her knee's. She shook all over, her nerves still on fire, her body tight with stress.

The darkness hearkened on the door of her heart and Ella's anger burned like a consuming fire. It was going to be another one of those nights. She decided to go work out her current issues in the danger room, dressing quickly. her thoughts consumed her mind clouding her judgment, consumed with both grief and anger over the loss of her late father. It had been such a good day, she knew it would end like this. If life has taught Ella anything, it's to not expect anything good because usually it never lasts for very long.

The uniform is skin tight and cool to the touch. It was made for long training sessions with some shiar technology to adapt to the users body temp and protect the body from physical harm to help the person wearing it be able to endure longer periods of training. Charles thought it would come in handy for her.

She is quiet as she walks down the hall, and down the elaborate stairs. Grabbing a water from the kitchen she pushed the elavator door down to the sub level of the Xaier mansion. The walls and floor gleamed in the light of the opening door of the elavator, casting shadows down the hallway.

The dark does not scare her, but the light does. The thought of dealing with her issues shuts her down, and she prepares to take her unheeded aggression on some non living computer created entity. She walks past the medical facility, where it seems Hank had fallen asleep again in his computer chair. Ella continued past the locker rooms, and the hangar bay to the large metal doors. The green light was on but indicated below that it was in use. Curious as to what program someone might be operating this late at night, she decided to go in. the doors opened and what caught her eyes was not a epic battle, nor a training session she had ever seen.

It was a church.

Candles were lit in various places in the room, creating an ambiance of peace and tranquility. Her world was not one where light was ever cast, unless it brought shame or sadness, or death. She suppressed a shudder, memories of that night filling her mind for a moment. It shook her resolve for a moment, as she stepped into the room. The danger room doors closed silently behind her.

There was a soft murmuring, a whisper for a moment as she stepped into the room fully. The stained glass images showed saints. She recognized a few from when she was child and her father took her to church in Russia. This was so different, so little frills in comparison to the one in Russia. Simple yet elagant, natural wood, a chandelier for candles, not electric lights.

Whoevers vision of a church this was, she liked it.

She looked and noticed the kneeling man a few feet in front of her. Of course it would be Kurt. He paused as if he noticed that he was being watched, and turned his head. His expression showed kindness and a weariness that she could relate to. His eyes met hers, and he smiled softly at her, his teeth showing for a moment.

She hadn't expected to see anyone down here, and her emotions were jumbled as she smiled slightly at him, though the smile did not meet her eyes.

"Ellanor, are you alright?" he asked as he rose and stood at the altar.

She couldn't open her mouth to speak, for fear of letting her tears out. It was one thing to cry in privacy but to let someone, especially the man she loved from afar see her crumble was a whole different thing.

She shrugged passively, burying the emotions inside her as he stepped forward just in front of her.

"I..didn't mean to intrude. I was going to train and saw this..i couldn't help but want to see more."

"This is the replication of my church in germany, my refuge. I come to it when I am troubled." he placed a hand on her shoulder, "it seems something is troubling you. Do you want to talk? Or I could go..we all cope in our own ways."

"No, I.." her emotions began to trickle out, allowing her facade to slowly crumble away. She sighed heavily, her shoulders sagged, "I had a nightmare. Again. I found him..it was just too much to go back to sleep. Too many bad memories, he never.." a sob escaped her throat.

He put his arms around her, and she leaned into his chest. He smelled of brimstone and incense, and he was strong. Stronger then her but yet gentle to her. He stroked her hair, reminding her of a memory of childhood innocence, long lost to her until this moment.

"It's alright, Ella. You don't have to be strong for me. I am here for you." his voice was strong and soothing and echoed in the simulated church. Her fears of falling apart in front of him, and the fight to keep her grief private crumbled as tears slipped down her face, sobs shaking her body. Her knees grew weak and he slipped both of them gently to the floor.

As she cried he prayed, and for a night in the life of an X-man and a young girl, in the mansion of Charles Professor Xavier, healing and hope were renewed in the hearts of two.

Her eyes were heavy and in that peace of a moment shared, she relaxed into his arms and fell into restful sleep, however before sleep claimed her she uttered one word with heartfelt thanks..

"Thankyou..."

He looked down at the still calm form, who at any time on any day was at constant war with herself or someone else in the mansion. She wasn't typical, and she was a young girl who had been betrayed and lost for longer then one deserved. His heart felt the same stirrings he felt when he saw her every time, the same she felt whenever she saw him, but both were unaware. To finally hold her in his arms, to feel her soft breathing, his beauty in his arms made his heart fill with a love he had not ever known in his life.

Her soft rhythic breathing indicated deep sleep, and he teleported her to her room and lifted her into his arms laying her gently on the bed. He covered her with the purple comforter and kissed her forehead.

He looked down at the peaceful sleeping figure, and spoke softly before leaving her for the night..

"Sweet dreams, my beauty."

BAMF

Thats all for now folks. Nothing like some romance to make the heart pitter patter and wish for a prince or princess to love us that much...I know its a bit fluffy right now but I promise it gets good. :)


	2. Chapter 2

rewrite chap 2 Black and blue

By Yulian

The sun rose casting light through the open window and causing Ellanor to stir slightly. She buried her face deeper into the covers, mildly aware of the fact that she was in her room. She turned her head slightly and sighed. She could still smell sulfur and incense. "Pathetic. Great one Ella." she said aloud. She had managed to keep her pain to herself, having managed to not talk about it in any length with anyone, or in the very least not respond while someone (usually Charles or Hank) would subtly bring it up. Now the one man she loved had seen her fall apart, but maybe this could be a good thing.

She sat up and stretched, and got changed into a pair of loose fitting jeans and a tank top. She opened the closet doors and looked dismally at her selection of shoes. She had to go shopping soon, even though she had a closet as large as her room at the house she refused to enter since his death. She grabbed the closest pair of flip flops and proceeded downstairs to the kitchen. A midgrade headache began to work on her which caused her to stop for a moment, hoping for aspirin or something like that in the kitchen.

The kitchen was mostly empty except for a few stragglers. They greeted her warmly, having been acquaintances for most of their time at the mansion. She got a bowl of cereal, her head throbbing painfully as she looked through the shelves in vain. Forgoing the breakfast she opted to head to Hanks office where he surely kept something better then aspirin.

She took the elevator down, her body reacting to the subtle movement as she descended into the subbasement. She groaned as the light began to bother her more, her eyes seeming to throb with each beat of her heart. Ella leaned forward; Nausea would be the next onset, and then she would be out for two days recuperating.

The doors opened and Logan stood there looking at her. "Kid, you alright?"

"Stress migraine, I think." she tried to walk but she lost her balance. He caught her before she could hit the ground. He smelled of old spice and man sweat, and even though he could crush her into dust with little effort he handled her with the gentle touch that any woman could swoon over.

"Help me to Hank's?" she asked quietly. Even the sound of her own voice was grating her. Her sense of smell, hearing, sight, touch all reacted as if they were live wires exploding and cracking with energy.

He didn't bother to ask her if he could carry her simply having lifted her into his arms and carried her bridal style to Hank's office. Migraines were bad, but migraines by mutants were 1000 times worse.

She groaned as the world moved around her. She could feel the subtle energies as they flowed around her, mingling with Logan and the residuals from the area around her. Her clarity became crystal clear as she tried to control herself from giving into the pain completely, and losing control of her abilities.

Hank sat at the desk and felt her before they entered the room. Concern filled his features as he motioned to Logan to place her on one of the empty beds. Energy throbbed around her. She was doing her best to keep them from unraveling around her.

"What happened?" Hank asked as he grabbed the high dosage migraine meds from a shelf and a bottle of water. He gently placed the pills in her mouth, and helped her to sit up ever so slightly to take a drink of water.

"She collapsed on the way out of the elevator. This hasn't happened in a long time. Will she be alright?" Logan could remember the last time she had a migraine like this for no reason, and the nightmares she had… he held a moment of pity for the empathy's of the institute.

'_Hank, is she alright? I caught the alarm in your mind.' _Charles Xavier, not only was he the worlds most powerful telepath but also was her adoptive father. Hank grimaced as she leaned heavily into Hank's arms, her breathing rapid and shallow as he felt the throbbing of the muscles in her body, and the energy erratically pulsating sent small slivers of pain.

'_She will be alright. Ella seems to be getting better by the second. Your doing?'_

'_She caused a great disturbance in the energy, I was distracted and could of stopped it sooner. I did not want to pry but she spoke of her father last __night, cried a great deal. She is emotionally distressed beyond what is healthy.'_

'_She talked about it? To whom?'_

'_Kurt, but it is of great irritation it seems to her, so don't mention it when she wakes again. Subtle as always, my friend. Keep me updat__ed. Ill drop down as soon as I return from Washington.'_

Violent nightmares mingled with one another, one after the other. Memories of that long forgotten day, memories she wished she could forget flooded her senses. She could smell the stench of death, his body unresponsive to her urgent begging. She shook his shoulders, her heart beating fast as her panic rose to a fever pitch.

"Dad, please don't be dead...please Daddy? Wake up, wake up, wake up!" she screamed as he fell back. She caught his body, his shell as his head leaned back unnaturally. Ellanor didn't know whether to scream in disgust or rather embrace him. She sat there, the silence heavy and dark around her. What was left of his head dripped onto her shirt. She sobbed and rocked back in forth. There was more blood then she had ever seen in all her life, and his body had become stiff with rigormortis.

She laid him down and walked across the office and grabbed her cell phone. She wasn't sure if she could even speak, but she could call them. They were all she had left, and there was a cold empty feeling as she drifted awake. Since when had memories become so terrifying, her nightmares more real and vivid?

She opened her eyes. Tears wet her cheeks. Hank sat beside her and held her hand.

"Ella, are you alright?" he wiped her cheeks with a Kleenex and set it on the table beside the hospital bed.

"Just another nightmare." she replied calmly. Where every emotion had been overpowering and real in the dream world, now that she was awake she was numb with grief. "I had a really bad migraine didn't I?" she asked.

"I am concerned that if you have another one of those and don't get help sooner.."

He sighed, of course she knew what would happen. She would lose control, hurt someone, or maybe something even worse.

"I'm sorry, it hit me so suddenly. I…" she looked down, ashamed for a moment.

"Don't feel bad, I know and understand that these things happen. Listen, would you tell me what you think triggered this attack?" his question was straightforward, and he hoped her answer would be too.

Ella took her hand from his, squeezing it before letting it go, and she rubbed her forehead for a moment, giving herself a moment of reprieve.

"I ran into Kurt last night. We got to talking, stuff was bothering me. I was suppressing too much, all of it and I…cried about it a lot last night. I don't handle stress well, never have. I should have just kept it to myself."

"Talking about it was a great thing for you. If anything I think it will help you to deal with the death…loss of you father, your mother too. You have faced many things alone and handled them with the skill of someone much older and wiser more often then not. Let us help you. You aren't alone, and we are your family." Hank met her eyes, sensing the deep sadness, the great despair as she looked at him. She looked away, wiping a tear away.

"Yeah, ok, but if I start to lose it in front of anyone, I won't talk about it. It's bad enough that I'm crying about it now." her shoulders shook. Deep sobs began to shake her core, her heart heavy laden after months of holding herself together with nothing more then sheer will.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked gently.

Ellanor wasn't the type of person to communicate her feelings. She was in many ways the combination of Scott Summers and Logan…where either one held different skills such as destruction and leadership, she held both. It was this combination that helped her control the powers she possessed, single minded and passionate yet able to think and communicate even in the middle of a crisis.

"No." she whispered, "I can trust you. You've always been there when I needed you, the professor too. I don't know what to feel anymore. Was it my fault? Or did he hate me that much?" she gritted her teeth, a sob tearing forth out of her. Grief and anger jumbled together.

"It was not your fault. No one knew he felt that way, but he loved you."

"Then why did he kill himself? Why did I have to find him?" she said anger bursting forth, her potent. She sobbed, and he held her as she cried.

"I don't know Ella. I wish you never had to go through with that. None should have to ever."

They talked when she calmed down, agreeing that talking to someone would be best. It was a start, and that was all he could ask. She agreed to stay in the infirmary for overnight while she hid away from the rest of the world for a short while.

It was midnight and she was restless. She had worked on her thesis on mutant existence for her graduation requirement for the institute, read 2 books, and managed to beat Hank at GO not once but five times. She couldn't sleep even though she was tired, mostly out of the fact that she couldn't stop thinking about the last two days. Ella took the migraine pills he had set in the cabinet for her and went into the hallway, towards the elevator. She was still dressed in her tank top, jeans and flip flops as she rode the elevator up to the first floor. She ran up the stairs, half flying to her room.

The hallway was vast and long. This was the wing of the mansion that the teachers lived on, but she had been granted special permission, as she was a permanent resident and her father had provided a sizable donation that they still used, even 4 years after being accepted here.

Her room hadn't changed much, the color scheme maroon and black, except the walls which were painted an opaque white. The large queen size bed filled a wall. Along the walls bookcases filled the empty space, books of every kind imaginable, and a closet full of designer clothes at her finger tips. Every material desire she could have, and yet she lacked the very basic thing that could bring her completion; Family.

Ella's family over the years had died from various diseases and accidents. One could even say her family line was cursed. All that remained was a aunt who would have nothing to do with her gaijin niece.

Ella looked out the window, the full moons light casting light into her room, casting light into the normally darkened room. Her thoughts turned dark as she reflected upon the nature of her life, especially the last few months. Finding her father had truly been one of the darkest moments she had ever experienced. It had never been a perfect life, but it had been hers. Ella laid on the bed and looked at the ceiling as her thoughts turned inward. Her demeanor was dark and pensive and grew more so as her thoughts became more focused and foreboding.

Tears formed in the corner of her eyes as she remembered her father's corpse, how she had tried to resuscitate him even, and finally giving into the truth that it was only his shell that remained. Even thinking about it brought rage to her features, angst bellowing from her soul for a moment.

Ella was so intent upon her thoughts that she didn't hear Kurt bamf onto her balcony.

Her features were serious and her eyes narrowed.

"Why so serious mein freund?" he said breaking the silence.

Caught off guard she sent an automatic energy blast towards him. Without his training as an X-men, he would have been hit directly and probably been sent down to the med lab. Thankfully he was fast enough to dive out of the way, and the blast went into the night sky. It hung in the air like a solid mist for a moment before dissipating. She could still feel the tension of the energy pulling on her, as if it wanted to be manipulated.

"Sorry about that, I don't take being surprised well."

"I noticed. I was concerned about you. Are you feeling better?" he asked stepping into the room. She sat up and hugged her knees. To say the truth, that she felt more sorrow then joy, more anger then love, well that was not a simple thing to say.

"Just thinking."

"I noticed. Do you mind if I sit?" he stepped closer, his yellow eyes meeting her soft green eyes.

"Sure."

He sat as she leaned forward. The silence was pregnant with possibilities, but how did he ask her how she felt? His bravery died with her expression on her face.

"Ella, tell me something. Why do you push everyone away?"

"I don't push everyone away. I just don't have many close friends at all. There's a perfectly good reason for that and all."

"Name one." He said looking into her eyes once more. She avoided his gaze. Her façade seemed to drop away.

"I don't know. I.. trust you though. You would be better off without me though." There was a dark undertone her voice as she said that last line, her voice barely above a whisper.

He pulled her close to him, his gaze serious and intent, "Don't say that, please. I would not be better off without you. I would be lost without you!" he said passionately.

"Really? I matter that much to you?" she said, her voice filled with wonder for a moment. Losing her father caused a rift in her relationships with people. It was as if her father's suicide had caused her to feel that she was the worthless kid no one wanted, a failure as a daughter, hell, most days she felt like a curse.

"You trust me?"

"I said so didn't I?" mildly irritated but softer,. He could see her coming through the storm to him, as if she were slowly coming back to the person he loved and remembered.

"Stand up." She stood up and he stood in front of her, his hand on the small of her back, his other hand in hers.

He smiled at her, and she leaned forward into his chest.

"I want to show you the world, Ella. For now, let me show you the greatest view in the world."

They teleported from her room, to the tallest building in New York City. The sky was lit up with moonlight and the luminosity of the city, and the sounds—like a great band, unfocused and alive. The city was alive and strong, and the energy was throbbing and pulsing. She could feel its pull, its allure of power for a moment, and the view was awe inspiring. She felt though, him beneath her hand, his breath warm and alive, and his heart beating hard and fast. She looked away from the city view, and into his eyes.

"This is our place now, whenever you need somewhere to think, this is where I come. I feel like I touch god when I am here, like I'm so close that I have his ear alone."

"It's perfect." She said her voice barely above a whisper. This place felt sacred, or maybe it was the fact that this was the closest she had ever been to falling in love and seeing it happen. Her heart faltered for a moment, feelings of insecurity clouding her for a moment.

"You're perfect. This place is just a place, but you, you're amazing." She was taken back for a moment. He lifted her chin with his hand, her hand on his chest. His heart raced, as did hers. For a moment time stood still, and she felt the quiet comfort of peace, and he the wholeness of the love of his life. He kissed her forehead, his lips soft, barely brushing against her skin. She leaned her head onto his chest, and they lingered there until the sun rose in the east.

*Bamf*

So sorry about the second update..I initially uploaded the wrong piece of writing..hope this is enjoyable for all of you. Please let me know how you like it! Read and review!

Yulian


	3. Chapter 3

Black and Blue Chapter 3

Disclaimer: as always I do not own x-men/marvel universe, However Ellanor is mine. Enjoy!

It's short but POV of a few of the people in her life and how she has affected them. R & R- Tips are always welcome. Need a beta reader and someone who can help with Kurt's accent in story as well as basic language things in german.

Chapter 3: Comfort and Love

Ellanor sat on the top of the building, Kurt sitting beside her. Her tears hadn't stopped since she opened up to talking about finding her father. Kurt was patient as he listened, comforting her when the grief overcame her time and again. She would keep talking. This was the most she talked about her father to anyone, let alone his suicide. Now that the floodgates were open she could let it flow. She had been keeping so much inside her that by 3 am she was too tired and had a headache from the crying. She felt him wrap his arms around her as she leaned into his chest, and let herself trust fully for the first time in what seemed like forever.

She felt the whoosh and smelled the familiar scent of brimstone as he set her down into a comfortable bed. It wasn't her bed, which was odd at first but she trusted him. Wherever she was, she was safe. He climbed in beside her, and pulled her close. He held her until the early morning light shown through and she fell asleep. After the emotional floodgates had opened so much, her body struggled to allow her sleep.

When her eyes closed and her body lay limp, teleporting them to her room and laid her to rest. He tucked her in, and walked out into the hall. Light was beginning to stream through the windows and his body was tired. He hadn't slept all night, but the sacrifice of sleep to help her find her peace for even a moment was worth it. He yawned and walked downstairs to get some coffee and go work out in the danger room.

"Hey Elf," He turned, half surprised due to fatigue. "Herr Logan, Good Morning." he yawned. "Heard you were on babysitting duty last night. How's the kid?" "She is sleeping." "She is gonna be a wreck when she wakes up." "I vill be there for her." "You telling me something?" Logan approached and crossed his arms. Kurt aka Nightcrawler was 5 years older then her, and a teacher at one time.

He didn't miss the inflection of voice Logan used, neither disapproving or approving. "Nothing like that has or will happen. She is a friend." "She likes you. Always has. Be careful." "Me?" "No the blue guy in the sky. Yeah you." he smiled internally. In all truth he liked her too but his commitment to joining the priesthood was a priority even above the X-men in his life. "I am a servant of the almighty, Logan. And I am her friend. Now, I am tired, and need coffee." He walked away and Logan went to the kitchen before going to the danger room for morning training of the New X-men that he was responsible training for. Kurt sat and pondered his heart, wishing he could speak the truth without fear of rejection.

Professor Xavier's schedule for the day was full of classes except for a 3:00 appointment to see Ella. He waited, and when she didn't show scanned lightly looking for her. He found her in her room sleeping soundly. He would let her sleep and hoped her dreams were less traumatic as they had been in the last few months since her father's death.

Ever since she had become a permanent resident at his home and school he swore he would have been completely gray if he would have had hair. She was a teenager, and let alone his responsibility until she turned 16. Her experiences made her hard but her youth made her resilient, but she often seemed older then her actual age, and that got her in trouble.

Then there were the nightmares. The nightmares had made all the telepaths and a few of the other mutants more apt to train on shielding. Of course noone said anything. Her dreams were dark but no darker then anyone else's. It was the emotions, still raw and full of force that made them difficult.

It was a wonder anyone slept peacefully at the mansion. After the things many of them had seen in combat he was surprised that a PTSD diagnosis wasn't given to each member of the X-Men upon entering. Last year, long before the drama of her arrival they had gained a student who had earned the love of everyone around him, even Ella who at the time was knee deep in a thesis paper for college.

He died in a back alley, murdered by mutant hating humans. Anyone who had seen the scene on tv was immediately effected, and his loss was more then difficult. At the mansion though, home to many more mutants then just that one, he had a duty and under his guiding hand he had helped them work through the sudden loss. Now with her, it seemed that the old feelings of anger and grief were worse then before among the empaths, half the reason he held special classes on shielding for them. They entered, notebooks and pens in hand, and began the usual practice as they greeted and sat down. They journaled and meditated and joined Professor Xavier in the astral plane.

'Now, pay attention to each feeling as it passes among you. Tell me what you feel.' 'Tired' answered a young woman. Even in astral form she was weak. 'Sleep?' 'Restless' her aura began to shine more as she felt him putting shields around her. 'Better?' 'Oh yeah.' she practiced her shielding techniques, while he went around to the other 9 students, helping them, each manifesting something similar, and other feelings as well. 'Love. Thats weird. Its been cupids graveyard lately, with Jean and Scott even.' 'When I'm in the room with them I feel sick. How do I stop that?' 'Physical manifestations f emotions are often a psychics, as much as a empaths way of shielding. The body acts as a barrier, a buffer to the extreme emotions you are buffeted with daily. How many of you have been sick?' all of them responded with similar symptoms. Time to talk to jean and Scott and see if they couldn't work out whatever issue was getting in the way.

A few minutes later as they had trained some more he dismissed the class, and went about his daily duties. He heard a knock at the door. "Yes come in." "Herr Professor, I vas wondering if I could talk to you." "Of course. What seems to be the problem?" "I watched over Ella, as you asked. She spoke of her father. I am worried about her. She..is so broken." "Your worries aren't alone. Unfortunately she is the type of person who when pushed towards something, even something good, she will go the opposite direction. The fact that she is opening up though is a good beginning. You're a good friend to her."

"I need her..I mean, she needs me." "It's alright Kurt. Sometimes in life, we don't know what we are missing until it is right in front of us. For what its worth, be careful but she is an emancipated minor for the most part. Be careful with her." "But Professor, I am training.." "I know, just know that you have my blessing. Whatever you choose, whatever is right for you, I support both of you fully." "I don't believe she is ready for a relationship, as much as I care for her. She needs time." "And you will have time. She is aware in her own way, don't worry. You have time." Surprised at his own openness he said goodbye to the professor before going on his way.

"Thankyou Professor." "Any time Kurt, my door is always open."

Kurt reflected on the conversation with Professor Xavier as he sat on the very building he was on last night with her. _"Lord, open my eyes and heart to the path you have set before me. Help me make the decision that is the best one, as I go forward I can only choose one.."_ His mind turned to her once more. How had he not paid attention to this love he harbored for her? He thought of her face filled with joy, her laughter, even her cry. She had clung to him as if he would disappear, and he held her close as well, fearing the same. After all that she had been through even comforting her was a blessing and her opening up to him was a compliment and also made him fear.

What if he couldn't be there, couldn't protect her? His life as a X-man, even part time as it was at the moment, was dangerous and knowing how easily fate could turn against you made his fears more solid. With a single tear drop and hands clasped together on his knee's he prayed to the sky above with more heart then he had in what seemed like forever. Was this what love did to a man?

"_Please Lord, don't let me fail her."_


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Don't own the X-men, but Ella is mine.

Warning: This chapter contains some of her darker back story – ie a death – and romance..or lust, whichever fits the bill, lol.

Black and Blue Chapter 4: His Internal War, Her Undivided Heart

Approx. 2 months later

March

_Kurt's POV_

What does love feel like? Passion?

You can't live without the person you love; It fills your life, consuming you, but what is it like to be torn between two loves? The love of God is eternal, and never failing, an he saved me, and he has called me to serve him, and then there is Ellanor. When she smiles my heart is joyful, and when she cries it breaks for to see her suffer breaks my heart and I want to hold and comfort her, and bring back the happiness that flees from her so easily it seems.

I want to kiss her, to do so much more then to hold her. I could be happy with her, complete an whole without any question, but my passion, my calling does not allow the love I wish to be. It calls for celibacy and devotion to him and his mission.

I fear I am running out of time to make my decision. Father Thomas sees my divided heart and calls me on it. I cannot hide that I am in love with her, and with my dream of entering the Priesthood. How can two things be so divided yet both feel so right ? What transformed from a friendship, to this is beyond me. It is as if it came to life suddenly, and filled my heart with this division.

I love her and I love my Lord, so much that I would sacrifice one for the other, but I fear I could not make that decision without breaking my heart in the process. Either decision is a difficult choice for me-how do I know what one is right when both feel so perfect?

On his knee's fervently praying for comfort and wisdom to make the right decision. He feels peace fill his soul for a brief moment, before the nagging thoughts return of her, of his love. Ella consumes his mind and heart as does his love and passion for God. It does not seem possible that the two could co-exist peacefully for him though, knowing the strength of his desire for her. His fists hit the floor in frustration. 'Is this a test Lord? Help me, for I am lost.'

_Ella's POV_

She smiled to herself, lost in dreams of what could be. She had never before felt so strongly about a person, and she realized with no doubt or fear of rejection that she loved Kurt. It was as if he had been made for her. When she was with him her whole being felt complete and whole, and when she wasn't she couldn't stop thinking about how happy she was to know she would see him again soon.

In the last two months she couldn't remember a time when she had a panic attack or nightmare that was as bad as it had been when she first came to the school as a permanent resident. She felt the change within her, the light chasing away the darkness that had seemingly engulfed her life for so very long.

This of course didn't mean she didn't feel sadness or anger over the recent loss of her father, but she could finally see the light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

_' I wonder if mom would be happy'_ she pondered while playing with the necklace around her neck absentmindedly. On a silver chain were her parents wedding rings. One was a simple gold band with engraving on it that read, "My love, you are my dream", an the other was a blue diamond on a silver band that was once her mothers. She felt sadness for a moment feeling the cold rings as she looked at them. She was reminded of her father with the cold touch- his heart had been too broken to repair and his mind shattered after her mother had died 4 years before in a car accident. She remembered finding him that late august day

_8 months ago_

_She left the school and headed home for the first time in two days. While she doubted her father cared what she did, she still cared enough to come home and make sure he was ok. She missed her dad the way he used to be, wondering if he would ever be 'normal' again. Ever since losing his wife and her mother 4 years ago, he had been a damaged man. It was as if he had lost his soul. She missed her mom, and wished she was still there too, but she had tried to live for her an make her proud. It had only been a year later when her powers manifested, and Professor Xavier who had been a friend and college buddy to her father, turned around an helped her by teaching her what her father could not—how to control her abilities._

_She opened the door of the home she shared with her father and called out to him. "Dad? I'm home." _

_Ella closed the door behind her and hung her coat up on and continued to walk to the kitchen to get something to drink before talking to him. After getting a glass of water she went to his office. The door was closed though light shown from under the doorway. "Dad? I'm coming in." she opened the door and walked in, the scene before her sending her into shock. Her father was slumped over on the desk face down. She stepped closer. The smell of death permeated the room, and a vodka bottle sat undisturbed for the most part except for the blood and brain matter that had splattered onto it. _

_She couldn't speak, let alone utter a word as she stepped closer to feel for a pulse. She knew he was dead, but her mind wouldn't let her comprehend. She noticed the gun on the floor as she touched his cold lifeless hand. Blood dripped onto her shoe, her sweater was stained as she knelt now beside him. _

_Whether minutes or moments or even hours had passed she didn't know. The grief began to unfurl itself and she felt the tears as they fell down her cheeks, then the sobs as they poured out of her. Screams followed as she felt the anger and madness, the loss of her only relative become a reality. _

_Her clothes were bloody from holding him at one point. She stood and walked out of the office, and into the foyer. She walked out of the home, still crying, her throat sore from sobbing. She flew into the air and to the mansion. Landing on the front lawn, she walked slowly as if she couldn't move any faster. _

_She heard them before she saw them. Logan came out and grabbed her. She was taken down to the med lab, and as they began to examine her, she uttered the words. "He's gone." she wasn't crying anymore, and was eerily calm. "Who's.." "He..committed suicide." she said before Hank could finish his sentence. Robert Hollam had been a friend and fellow scientist, and his own mind couldn't comprehend what she had spoken for a moment. _

"_Jean?" he said looking hopelessly at her, "Is it true?". She scanned for his mind and he was gone, and the flashes of images coming from Ella's mind showed her the regretful truth. Hank discarded the bloodstained clothing into a bag and then grabbed a blanket and put it gently around Ella's still body. He hugged her close, and she leaned against him. She was crying again. _

Ella shook off the memory of that, thinking instead of the man she loved. She smiled and pushed the dark memory away and decided to go look for Kurt.

Now

"Ellanor Renee Hollam", said a man in a quiet voice, "Daughter of recently deceased scientist Robert Eldrich Hollam. Age 15, level 4 mutant, genius..she could be useful. Says here she has trained in gymnastics, and multiple martial arts. Hmm.." "What's happening Roy?" a man asked as he came in the door of the office, "David, I have a pick up for you. I want this one to be untraceable. Leave nothing behind that could identify us." "And you want this one alive?" "Have fun if you want but I want her alive. She has definitive potential for the program." "She is special then. Can I see a picture?" he turned the computer screen around and it showed a young woman who was well developed and beautiful. She had long black hair and emerald green eyes, with a soft demeanor. That would be broken soon enough if she didn't die in the first stage of treatment. David smiled darkly to himself. He could have a lot of fun with this broad. "Abilities?" "level 4, flight and energy manipulation, trained in martial arts and general gymnastics. She is smart, so watch yourself." "Looks naive to me. That leaves them easy to capture." "I don't need to mention that you should bring her alive right?" "No problem boss."

"Good. Location is New York, upper state, she will be attending a concert this coming Thursday. Leave no witnesses." he handed him a page of the location of where she would be, and possible capture points. "Yes sir." David, also known as Rage walked out into the office, an took the elevator down to level 10 to get ready for his mission. He licked his lips in anticipation, and looked at the print out. In 5 days he would have a new toy.

_Kurt's POV – later that day_

Kurt pulled the hoodie off an hung it on a peg, and walked out of the locker. His thoughts were deep, and brooding. He couldn't help but think of her even now, the way she smiled at him, the hope she held in her eyes as she would gaze at him. He felt deep within his being the reality of the situation, thing and his choice was clear.

"Logan? Have you seen Kurt?" "He was heading down to the danger room last I saw, what's up?" "Oh, uh, nothing, just need to ask him something." Logan looked at her for a moment. She looked like a woman with a mission. Focused, driven, and scared. "You alright kid?" "I'm..fine. Just need to … err breathe..ha. See ya." "Kid?" "Um..yeah?" "Don't be afraid to fight for it. If its really what you want just. Do it." he wasn't so good at the whole encouraging speeches, but she got the idea. "Yeah, thanks." "No prob kid." she headed down to the danger room. If he felt the same way for her, as she felt for him then there was maybe a chance in hell it could work. She wanted to be happy, and he was the one person in the world who made her happy.

Neither seemed to notice the other, both caught up in thought. She walked right into him. "Ooof!" she fell back onto her butt comicly. "Oh Ella, are you alright? I didn't see you." "Don't worry I didn't see ya either. Can we talk?" "How about I help you up first?" They walked to the danger room, and both of them seemed to be at unease, as they walked in.

For the last few weeks they had been growing closer and began spending more and more time together, but there was always a wall. There was always something that stopped what felt right from happening between them. She leaned against the wall as if it would give her comfort, give her strength. "I vas about to train but please.." he had simulated a complicated but simple gymnasium with what looked like several obstacle courses within. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't interrupt you." she walked briskly away before he could grab her, so he teleported instead. "What troubles you mein frund?" _'I shouldn't have come. If he loved me he would tell me. Why do I have to be the brave one?'_ she thought to herself sullenly. "Nothing, just forget it.", She snapped and ran around him.

She couldn't understand why she couldn't ask him the simple question. 'do you have feelings for me?'.

She took the elevator to the first floor and went out the front gate. It was spring out, nighttime to be exact. She flew into the air and flew towards the city. It didn't take her long to get to the tower he had taken her to. She sat against the cold building, pulling the hoodie closer to her. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back.

"God, I.." 'this is stupid' she thought as she wrestled against her pride. "Look God, whatever you are, I need your help. I love him but I am scared shitless-I can't even spend a single moment not thinking of him. He..I love him so much. If it's right let him find me." she continued to pray, so focused on the prayer that Kurt's bamf didn't alert her. She pulled the hoodie closer as spring rain began to fall. Her tears blended with the rain, and the only thing that made Kurt realize she was crying were slightly shaking shoulders, and gentle soft sobs.

"Ellanor.." she looked up alarmed. Her eyes were rimmed red. He went to sit beside her. "What is bothering you? I looked for you, and figured maybe you vould come here. Please talk to me." "Kurt, I.." he put his arms around her and held her. The rain was cold and she was shaking now from the cold. "I vould like to take you home, if that is alright. No need for both of us to get a spring cold, ya?" she nodded yes and pulled herself closer into his arms, and he teleported them back to the mansion to her room. He led her to the bed where a towel conveniently lay.

She shed the hoodie and her tank top was soaked. She walked to the dresser and took the top off, bra and all with her back to him. He watched for a moment before turning. How he loved her, and oh, how he wanted her. She slipped off her pants, checking that he wasn't looking, and half disappointed changed into shorts. She grabbed the towel off of the bed and dried her hair before gently touching his shoulder.

"I should go." he said, as she slipped into his arms. Her eyes implored him to stop, to acknowledge her. He let his hand slip around her waist and pulled her closer. "I should.." her hands stroked his back softly as she looked lovingly into his eyes. His own eyes looked at her with love and lust. 'god forgive me' he leaned in and kissed her. Her lips were soft and supple against his, and her body perfect, and so close he could feel himself beginning to lose control.

He pulled her even closer, as if it were possible, as he passionately kissed her. There was a moment when thoughts began to intrude, that he pushed away. His torn heart though would not let more happen between them as the thoughts of his other passion, and a recent conversation with Father Thomas filled his mind. He pulled away, and they were both gasping, and she let her head rest on his chest. His heart beat wildly, where hers was calm. She finally had the one thing that made her feel complete and she was at peace as she let her eyes rest. Her hands on his shoulders.

Kurt was so unbelievably torn, so utterly devastated yet happy that they had shared that moment. He felt guilt realizing the price he would pay for loving her. His mind was in chaos, as he gently pushed her away. "I'm sorry, I just can't...please forgive me." he stepped away, his shoulders slumped as she looked on in shock. He looked up for a moment before teleporting away. All he saw was her tears falling down her face, and he realized how much he had crushed her, and his guilt tripled. How could he explain that she wasn't to blame, or that he was confused. He had shared his dreams before with her, and hers as well with him. The dream of a normal life with him, was not possible. God was his everything, his all. There was no comparison, and he was called. You did not ignore the call of God, for he only calls once.

He broke down crying as he knelt in the familiar garden of the church. Where was god now, with his broken heart? Was there no happy ending for Ella?

Ella stood there, watching him disappear before her to god knows where. What happened? There was a kiss that was deep and passionate, and held promise and then there was an apology. He left so quickly that it caught her off guard, her happiness shattered like glass and was no more. She was an empty shell it seemed as she stood there, unaware of the tears as they flowed down her face.

'_ What did I do wrong?' _she thought. She sat on the edge of the bed. She felt numb at first, but the shock slowly wore off with each passing minute. The floodgates of loss, anger, and betrayal opened and she began to sob. Feeling more alone then ever she curled up in bed and cried into her pillow. There was noone in the world who could comfort her, who could love her, or help her like him, and that whatever they had, was over.

The last words that echoed in her mind as she drifted into sleep were simple and terrifying; 'What now? My life can't get any worse.'

((Well, what do you think? Review and tell me! I have been steadily working on her for awhile, and she is finally taking form in the way I want her to. Hope you are all enjoying the ride!))


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